Sunday, October 27, 2013

Me and My Men (Part II)

To make a woman’s heart sing.

Growing up I liked being with boys, but didn't know if their flirty attention was something I could handle. So I went about being like them with them. I couldn't handle the girly giggles and their bitchy battles so I stayed away from them as well and never learned from girls how to be an attractive girl.

Big mistake, very big mistake.

 Now I was a very shy person and evaded befriending guys my age. Too young and I could be bossy and sisterly with them. Too old and I could be an obedient learner and be pampered as a kid myself.

Life felt better that way while socializing. Behave evasive and tomboyish …. No complications….

It was about a month since I discovered the spark that is called a sexual electrical flow. I was learning salsa and the instructor was showing a beautiful move when I felt a current pass through me and felt a tingling in my heart and dizzy in my head. An exquisite feeling which was very personal. I wasn't attracted to the dance instructor. He was a mere boy of 19 and I was quite a woman in the worldly sense at 21.

I had not known at the time what I felt. I was curious about it and did the most stupid mistake as a naive person- I asked him if he felt a wave. He accepted that he did but thereon he started being a bit oddly rude with me. I wondered why it was so. I realized that he had a girlfriend who was an instructor as well. I think he must have felt guilty. I didn't know what to make of it. I went to my sisters and asked her. She was amused and assured me that I have bloomed; a late bloomer but I got it after all. Congratulations of having your first physical feeling of attraction. I was happy I felt what was supposed to be felt…… relived………..

I fizzed out of the dance class as it was no more happening for me as the instructor felt a thing against or rather felt a thing for me…

Sooner I found new joy in going for early morning walks with a new found girlfriend. I liked her company as we had lots to talk all the girly talks. Though a few years older I could relate with her. I had missed on many girly stuff while growing up trying hard to evade boy’s attention and being stupidly tomboyish. She invited me to meet her friends from college in the mall. That’s where I met Aayan, a lanky confident young guy who loved to please with his sweet gestures and poetic language.

He was such a joker, charming every body’s wits out. I didn’t realize that he was eyeing me. He started sending me beautiful messages every day. They were poetic and romantic. They influenced me to write my own poems in reply. This is how romance began between us. Most pure and without expectations. I discovered jealously for the first time, when I saw that he would call up most of his friends as a ritual every evening. Until then I thought I was an exclusive person with an exclusive place in his time schedule. When I complained, he explained that he called all his friends daily and had their regular conversations as usual but he reserved the last for me. He said when he was done with every chore and ritual. He would call me in peace and sleep listening to my voice. That felt so special. We spoke through the night sometimes about anything and everything in particular. And in the day we exchanged romantic poems. A beautiful flow set in. a habit cultivated of communication and being in touch. This was for me ‘living in the moment’. We had an emotional relationship that was cosy and fine the way it was.

Both of us didn’t want to complicate things. We had not met after our first introductory meeting and we didn’t mind it either. He was to come to town to meet his friends sometimes and told me he didn’t want to meet me in a group. He wouldn’t stop himself from being obvious about me. But a day came when we both couldn’t stop each other from meeting. We were at a party of common friends. The day that came, brought such pent up feelings that bombarded me with sexual attraction. I was amazed at my crude feelings. His mere gaze on me sent ripples through my veins. I wanted to be near him and it was a torture trying to stop myself. That night when we did speak with each other on phone, both of us could not stop from expressing our feelings of wanting to meet. Things would get complicated if we did. I knew for sure what would transpire between us if we did. But I didn’t want to think or care. The agony to stay away was getting too much to handle. We decided to meet when my parents were to go to meet my aunt out of town. I would be home alone for two days and could invite aayan over for lunch after my parents left.

The day he came to meet me was kind of made in heaven. I made him sneak into my house far from my neighbours curiosity. The moment I closed the door, we were in each other’s arms caressing and kissing like it was natural to do so. It was like music. Where the silence between the sounds made the rhythm. Interplay of desperate souls and a free flow of moments. It was more of an ecstasy, beyond sensuousness. A dance of the hands moving with sounds of music through the lips. We were both virgins and so we did not want to get into something that might complicate things. It was hard for me to detach myself from his embrace. We had lunch together and sat cozily chatting and watching a movie. When he left I was too esthetic to think anything. My body, mind and soul were a pulsating rhyme. I knew now what it meant to be a woman who was desirous. This was the first kiss that converted me.

We did not speak with each other but sent casual messages the next day. That evening I waited for his call. I never called him by myself since I had known him. It was unlikely of him to be out of touch. He was a person always in constant contact with his friends and I wondered why he hadn’t called. I slept off thinking of things I wasn’t sure would be true about him. His mobile was switched off for more than a week now and I couldn’t take the suspense anymore. I asked our common friends if they heard from him. They too were annoyed and surprised that he was incommunicado. I felt relief that he did not ditch me personally. I went through a range of thoughts about our affair and realized that it was picture perfect. Like a vacation romance and indeed it was. It was over without any mishap. I was only suffering the after effects of missing that one person with whom I was habituated to sharing my daily thoughts and talks. I missed that terribly. I resolved soon to get over it. Life went on with my explorations and new learning.

I was getting warmed up to the fact that men looked at me. Most of them I observed stared at me appreciatively. I was happily hopping with joy that guys gave attention to me until Sambhu busted the bubble for me. Prams most men will look at anything that is a “WOMAN” and you are one of those species. It’s not about you, it’s about boobs and you have them and some certain things. Cheese! I get that…………….

I decided to go for a much deserved break in the middle of the monsoon. To be near nature what best way than to go for a trek. I prefer to be by myself. Kind of like a meditating lone traveler on such travels. I sort my thoughts, reflect upon things about my past and resolve my moves for the future. I sat in the 25 seater van by myself which was parked at the designated site. I was the first to arrive so I took the first seat closer to the door besides the window. It was quite windy and cold so I snuggled myself and drifted into my thoughts.

Slowly the van was getting filled up and I was maneuvered into introducing myself and ended up casually chatting with two guys. One of them sat besides me and I went back to my cocoon. I could feel the next person sleep into a drunken slumber tired from his days work. I would have minded the body contact of a man but it was too cold to complain and I was not in any mood to shift and feel the chill that was enveloping us. I had no plans to converse or socialize as I woke up from my slumber in the morning. When our coach stopped for our first break the guide nudged us to get down and have our breakfast before we entered the forest reserve. I got out and sat on a bench furthest in the small makeshift eatery. I was surprised when a fair bald guy came and sat in front of me. He asked me if he could take the vacant seat. As soon as our breakfast arrived he began his efforts to converse with me casually. I discovered he was a very energetic guy with a lot of excitement about life. He was in India for about 2 weeks for work and he was making the most of it. I didn’t ask him much about anything and spoke when spoken to. It felt good talking with him and being with him on the breakfast table. I realized that some of the trek mates were wondering what was transpiring between us. We went about our conversation concerning the history and geography and culture of my country. When all of us were done with breakfast, we were briefed about the rules, regulations and instructions to be followed through our journey along with the itinerary of our trip.

As I saw him began chatting with the others in the group with the same friendliness as he had for me, I felt a twang of jealousy. There was a bit of possessiveness towards him for no apparent reason. Somehow I wasn’t convinced the way I was feeling. I wanted to be the one who would tell him things about India so that he would be only with me. Crazy me! He wasn’t an exclusive friend of mine but a mere acquaintance. I shook myself off these private feelings as we started our walk. It started raining within a few minutes and we all got into a friendly banter teasing each other along our walk. Felt amazingly comfortable as a group out to have fun. I let go of thoughts as we proceeded on our way and mingled into the group. I saw him talking to every person in the groups and befriending them. I too began enjoying the nature trail around me, taking photographs and getting to know my fellow travelers.

An hour into our walk, Matt came by me as he chatted away with a fellow traveler. I didn’t realize that he was actually being with me rather than with the other person. Though he didn’t talk to me I felt instinctively that he was having conversations with someone near me so that he could walk besides me on the trail. I glanced at him time to time and in return he glanced back with a sweet smile while he spoke to others. I found he was more Indian than anyone of us on the trek. He was casual, down to earth, friendly and talkative with an expression of positive expectations. During the entire walk I kept my own pace and speed. Matt kept on being with me but was good at not being obvious to others. I felt like a flower and him as a humming bee that kept on coming back to me. I soon settled in the fact that there was attraction between us. Felt something nice and beautiful existed between us. I was neither anxious nor jealous. Felt a sense of calm in the fact that he liked me and wanted to be around me. I got a sense of security around him. It didn’t matter to whom he spoke or for the length of time he was away from me. I got a funny feeling as if we are a married couple for ages and were comfortable and secured in our relationship. I didn’t know why within a few hours of meeting him I felt such strong feeling and had such calming thoughts to feed them. We reached our camp and got into frenzy for getting warm and out of our drenched clothes. I was almost shivering. I made myself comfortable on a wooden sofa in the patio of the farm house that was to be our base for the night. . He was loitering around me the whole time as I was settling myself in the patio. Joked around and played with his camera asking everyone to pose. I borrowed a blanket from the host to wrap myself and deciding not to budge from my seat until I warmed up. He came besides me and sat for a while making efforts to tuck me into my warmth. I felt really warm with his gesture. Some of the crazy people of our group decided to go for a dip in a nearby pond which was overflowing. I merrily declined. Matt was joining them so tried to convince me to join. I didn’t have the energy to get wet and cold again. He didn’t push me and left me with a lingering look behind saying he won’t be gone long.

The small roofed house had a modest patio with a plain mud ground before it which was fenced with hibiscus plants. The red, yellow and white flower fence looked beautiful against the backdrop of the coffee plantation and the rainy sky. The house was a beautiful old red roofed Indian farm house. There was an attic which spread across the ceiling of the entire house making it very big a space to move around, though one had to bend at bit as it lacked height. The kitchen was at the back of the house with a mud stove that used wood as fuel. One had to go a few feet away from the house into the open to access a bathroom and a toilet. The host was very kind to such a big group which had infested the entire house. Our group had spread its clutter of drying clothes, wet backpacks, shoes and drying socks. After about two hours as the sun was setting beyond sight, the group that had gone for a dip in the pit arrived howling like drunken hooligans and gay from their esthetic experience.

Matt smiled at me like a kid beaming from a joyride back home. He rushed into the house to change. There was absolute commotion around and I just sat in one place enjoying every bit of it. For the evening dinner the group had to heat ready-to-eat meal along with dried up chapatti to be heated to have with it. The trek leader asked me to help him with the preparation of the meal so I got up from my slumber and went into the dimly lit kitchen. I smiled at the host’s wife and sat comfortably in front of the mud stove as if I belonged there. I didn’t know the local language so the trek leader helped as we opened packets to be heated and the chapati’s to be roasted on an iron flat pan. Someone from the group asked if we could get some fresh rice to eat along with the meal we have. The sweet lady of the house was only too eager to oblige and made way to cook for 20 odd people. Matt kept on meddling with my work by fussing around and taking packets out of my hand to cut. We both knew he was pestering me with his silly behavior just so that he could be near me.

Suddenly I wanted him to hug me as I went about my work. It was a desperate desire, just to feel his warmth envelop around me in the warm crowded kitchen. I stopped my thoughts short, scolding him to go away and help the others. As I went about heating the chapatti besides the rice cooker I found it rather amusing how two people came together and instantly felt so intimate. There was an invisible thread that connected us in those few minutes of being so together. It was me who was feeling like a bee attracted to Matt. I wanted to be as close as possible to him, near him, around him. When the dinner was being served I excused myself and made a plate for myself and moved aside from the gathering to sit on a chair. Matt came and stood next to me, he was almost covering me up with his frame away from everyone in the room. He was relishing his meal and had brought along with him a spoonful of pickle from the kitchen. He winked at me as he deposited the pungent pickle into my rice. I wanted him to feed me. Good god lord I am going crazy here. I want to be with him and I want to run away from him at the same instant. I didn’t know if he realized what effects he was having on me. This was crazy. He had a lean and tall amazing body and he wasn’t even bothered to be aware of how he was affecting me. I wanted to feel his heart on my palm. I was not feeling sexually tonight, just a feeling of cozy intimacy. I wanted to sit and chat up with the others after dinner but was too tired and cold from being drenched the whole day. The girls had to sleep in a small stuffy room and so I arranged my sleeping bag just outside it so that I didn’t have to suffer the stuffiness. All the men had to sleep in the attic and I was curious to know how they had arranged their sleeping bags. So I climbed into the attic when Matt stayed down talking to the others. I was jealous of their sleeping arrangement as the attic was spacious and the men could spread themselves to sleep. Matt called me down the attic and teased me about the luxuries of men in the world. He walked me out into the patio in the darkness of the night and sat beside me on the sofa. We spoke about everything inconsequential. Just enjoying a private moment in space and relaxing in each other’s company. It was very cold and we huddled into a blanket close each other as if we did this often. I felt a sense of de-ja-vu. It certainly felt like we were a couple from another time. We had the secured comfort of being one. There was no charged up sexuality between us and it was not wanted either. The coziness was intoxicating enough. The trek leader came out after about an hour and asked us to retire as we had an early start the next day. We got up and went to our sleeping space without complain and again Matt smiled his sweet smile as he went away.

I slept instantly and when we woke up the next day I was not consumed with the existence of Matt. We were to visit a waterfall on our way back and we freaked out like crazy party animals all the way back. When we were dropped off at our destination after the trip I didn’t want this experience to end. I wanted the moments of the joy I felt to linger so when I was asked to join the boys for a drink and dinner I merrily agreed. We spoke about life in general as a group and for the first time in 2 days I was engaging myself completely with the talks of this small group at the table drinking their drinks. After dinner Matt took it upon himself to drop me home after our dinner. As we sat in the cab Matt told me that he was to be busy with work the week to follow and he would be leaving for home after the next weekend. I didn’t know what to say or feel because I knew I was not in a fantasy and he was someone I would never meet again. He said simply that he liked me a lot and enjoyed every moment of the trek because of me. As my home neared he took my phone number and promised me that he would call on me and try to meet me before he left. It surprised me when he smiled the sweetest smile and he touched my cheeks as if I was a cute little child when I was about to get out of the cab. I felt my heart melt at that moment and I turned looking into his eyes with all my openness I had in me. He smiled at me and opened his hands for a hug. I didn’t think twice before I leaned forward to be in his warm embrace. We both knew that we had something special and it transcend time and sense. Time stood still as I moved away out of the cab and bid him farewell. As his cab moved and I walked towards my house I knew that we had to meet and it had to be this way. My heart was beating a rhythm. I knew the song it sang from another lifetime. Though I could not hum the rhyme, it was making me sway and dance as I walked into the night. It was overwhelming to know that I was not alone in the special experience I had this weekend. I knew that Matt too shared every bit of the feeling I had and that was enough for a lifetime to treasure within my heart. It didn’t matter if we met again before he left or that we kept in touch afterwards. It mattered that we met and we connected. That was all that mattered.

 It mattered to have made a woman’s heart sing.